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5 Habits Holding You Back!

Do you ever feel like life just doesn't get you? Maybe you're just not getting life. Here are 5 habits holding you back from reaching your full potential:

1. Water is bad for you!

You might be thinking, but I can't live without water! Exactly. This is addiction. Did you know that drinking water can actually kill you? Drinking too much water can cause intoxication and cause swelling of the cells, leading to headaches, seizures, and even comas. Water is like alcohol—to prevent from suffering its devastating effects it's best to avoid it completely. Instead, try a cooler alternative called ice. Its higher temperatures ensure that no toxins can survive to enter your body, and because of its chilling feeling you're likely to consume much less of it!

2. Quit your job.

If you're not happy with your 9-5, cubicle lifestyle then why are you still doing it? Resignation is as easy as 1, 2, 3! As your internet big sister, I'm here for you. (I can't provide you money though, or a job, or anything really...but moral support, I got you.) No one actually needs a job, they need dreams. We're all slaving our lives away for little sheets of paper that give us what? Food on the table? Whatever it is, it's not worth it. Which brings me to my next point...

3. Don't let labels define you. 

I'm talking all the labels. Lazy, feminist monster, people pleaser, even the physical ones. You don't need a name plate to tell you you're a boss. March into that office and own that executive chair. You can even finish up the work on their desk because they're not the only boss around here! Don't sign any paperwork or apply for anything and wait for a confirmation. Stop seeking validation from others. Even the labels in stores with numbers on them. Money is a construct. Prices are subjective. Don't let people rob you of your worth by charging you. $0.55 for a cup of Ramen? Not today Sat-I mean Target.

4. Tune into your inner chakras.

Chakras are the energy points in your body. Unblocking them enables you to maximize your potential. Follow every aspect of astrology: healing stones, birth signs, horoscopes. The alignment of celestial bodies across the universe single-handedly determines your existence on earth. Have no idea where to begin? Astrology plays a significant role in the lives of many Indians. So put on your most exotic clothing and say namaste, as you embark on your most life changing journey. 

5. Don't trust everything anything in the media.

Conspiracists are misused as a euphemism for crazy people with tinfoil hats—I call them scientists. Unlike them, conspiracists think for themselves without naively, blindly trusting anything in the name of this cult-like scripture named "science". Don't ever trust anything in the media because you never know who it really comes from. Is it even a person? Don't follow a herd mentality either. Many people try to follow conspiracy theories on a surface-level. You'll find them asking, was the moon landing real? But you know better than that. The moon probably isn't even real. The media is full of these people that think they know it all but you're smarter. You know to trust me. 

Comments

  1. Hannah DornerFebruary 25, 2024 at 9:38 AM

    I really liked how you used satire to describe everyday life. I also liked how you made humorous statements like water is an addiction, and the rhetorical questions like “was the moon landing real?”, because they really added to the mocking of everyday routines.

    ReplyDelete
  2. SLZFebruary 25, 2024 at 7:44 PM

    I followed your advice. I went to the store and tried taking a picture of the "sun" to burn because it clearly doesn't exist in the real world. But now I'm in jail using my one message to tell you how much your advice sucks. I tried to align my chakras to get more messages but the police said it "doesn't work that way," what do they know???!!!?? I told them that they aren't really the police and that water is addictive and they keep telling me I'm crazy or something made up like that. I don't think I'll be in school tomorrow for two reasons, 1) I'm in jail and 2) I'm not going to be a student any more its lame.
    I don't think these decisions will have any impact on the rest of my life. Because your advice it gold.
    Thank you internet big sister, I expect to see you at the trial for moral support.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousFebruary 25, 2024 at 8:00 PM

    I really like the way you built irony at the very end. The way you contradicted yourself by saying to trust you but also not trust anyone on the internet was very satisfying! And side note: I swear I saw a video on Instagram the other day talking about how water is bad for you. What was most painful was the way they were being completely genuine which makes me wonder how they haven't died of dehydration yet.

    ReplyDelete
  4. bismaad kaurFebruary 25, 2024 at 8:32 PM

    This is so cool! I love how you used a lot of the satire techniques that we talked about in class! We are so likely to believe everything that we see on the Internet and social media, and I think you did a great job calling attention to that.

    ReplyDelete

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